Fake happy
People who have met me would never suspect that I had a rough childhood. Over the years, I’ve learned to suppress my emotions and laugh out every awkward and hurtful situation. I dislike pain so I either downplay and tolerate it or escape from it as soon as I can which resulted in impulses and some big wrong decisions in life.
Why do I laugh after I cry? Why can’t I be serious when times are rough? Why do my emotions feel trivial? I’m convinced that there’s definitely something wrong with me. I just wanted confirmation from a professional so I can live with the fact. And so, I went to therapy for the first time today.
I shared stories about my childhood and how I’ve dealt with it over the years. I was pointing out myself whenever I laugh — an attempt to downplay my past experience — all throughout the call. I was ready to hear that I’ve been dealing with things the wrong way followed by steps of undoing the trauma. But instead, my therapist told me that I coped up the way I could survive. There’s nothing wrong with me. I just did what I needed to protect myself.
How I wish I knew that. How I wish people in a similar situation know that. Hey, it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to survive. It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to fake happy. 🙂🙃
